Blitzkrieg Deluxe

A Good Day to Skate Hard

blitzkrieg deluxe — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 12:09:19 +0000

Big big month since my last post. Played in a travel team game, Game of thrones season 3 started and I went and broke myself…

More on that later. Last month I got the honour of being able to play as a Siren against Western Australia Roller Derby in SSRD’s first official WFTDA Apprentice bout. As previously mentioned, I missed out going to WA 2 years ago due to a wedding so I was very keen to play this time around. I had heard the loveliest things about the girls from WARD and from everything I experienced, I can now officially attest to their loveliness.

Personally I did not have the best game, I was too penalty heavy but that didn’t stop me having a great ass time. SSRD won the bout in a hard fought game but my favourite part of the night was when WARD proposed to SSRD at the after party and we said YES.

So now SSRD are officially betrothed to WARD and I have been told the honeymoon is apparently already in the planning. I really like and respect WARD. They seem to have a very similar culture to South Sea and I’d definitely like to see this relationship continue forevers..

Personally I am looking forward to the next rematch, whichever state it is in. /end gush.

Broken..

With last Sunday night came the moment I think I knew had been coming since I started derby. I have seen people suffer injuries in the past and have always felt like it was going to be my turn soon enough. That time was unfortunately now.

The Literal Breakdown..(as brief as possible but still maybe a bit TLDR)

1. It was a scrimmage like any other. I was the jammer.
2. The whistle blew and I charged into the back of the pack, in doing so I lost my balance and slammed a foot backwards.
3. Upon landing the ankle completely dislocated and the tibia and fibula fractured. I picked my foot up in pain, looked down, saw the damage and began to fall to my other side to avoid landing on it.
4. Cue yells/other weird noises that I can’t even remember but am sure freaked some people out.

In the moments of confusion that always follow an injury on track, I look down to see my ankle facing the wrong way and a bone being pushed up into the skin on the inside. I knew immediately something had broken and could feel the creaking and cracking as I tried to move it into a position to avoid getting bumped around.

Before I knew it I had people around me telling me to breathe, putting clothes around me to keep me warm, asking me to remove my helmet and to stay calm. I’ll be honest the pain was bad, but not as bad as I think I was expecting. I was however waiting for the pain to get worse, which was probably the scariest thing for me. The ambulance had been called and all I could do was wait.

My immediate thoughts went to:

1. The fact I would not be able to skate in the upcoming bouts. Letting myself and the charmers down.
2. That fact I had literally less that 24 hours ago commented to someone that I’ve been pretty lucky with injury so far, touch wood… BUT THERE WAS NO WOOD !!

When the waaaambulance arrived they gave me the coveted green whistle straight away and tried to hook me up with morphine before they went about getting my skates off. The funniest and cutest thing was everyone’s shock and horror as they began to cut up my new compression pants, the secret to my limited success, to get access to my leg. The suggestions were made that a) they could be pulled over the ankle (eff no!) or b) they should be cut to the knee and used as shorts… either way they needed to be cut off completely at the hospital.. so bye bye blitzpants….

This is where things started to go a little hazy. I know at one point I started smoking the green whistle like a cigarette. My head was spinning pretty nicely… the pain was still there, but I just didn’t really care. Someone (I now know was tank) picked me up like I was nothing and plopped me onto the stretcher. Upon them wheeling me out to the ambo I put up a peace sign up as a homage to Sailor Mouth Sadie who did the exact same thing when she was injured playing in WA a couple of years ago.

Loaded up in the ambulance, we made our way to the emergency room… I was more than a little gutted they didn’t put the sirens on, if only for a few seconds…

Once at the hospital I waited for x-rays and was given a second green whistle (weeeeee). The x-rays came back. The summary they gave me was that ankles should sit in-between the 2 leg bones (tibia+fibula). My 2 leg bones were squished together on one side with fractures and the ankle was on the other side, presently detached. The doc then told me I need to have my leg reset under nitrous, that I would be awake, and that I would be “uncomfortable”… I won’t lie, this was the most terrifying part of the entire ordeal, possibly the most legitimately terrifying thing I have experienced in recent memory. I looked up at Mr. Blitz, held his hand and let a single tear roll down my face before they gave me the nitrous tube, which I greedily shoved into my mouth like I was at a hotdog eating competition. I took some extremely deep breaths and nodded when I thought I was ready as I drifted into a sound loop. It hurt like a bitch, but I was tripping balls so hard on the nitrous I passed out for about a minute before they brought me back.

After being reset I was sent for more x-rays and eventually sent upstairs at 6am to a proper bed to wait for the ortho guy to get in at around 8am.

I think this is the moment when everything started sinking in a bit. Everyone had gone home and I was left pondering the evening past in a hospital bed in a shared room of 6 semi sleeping strangers. A rush of emotions hit me all of a sudden, ranging from embarrassment at the sounds I made when I fell, to the complete vulnerability of not being able to move or do anything for myself, to intense loneliness all the way to deep appreciation for all the help I had gotten up to this point. I had a wee teary and then did my best to get a bit of sleep before everyone else woke up. No such luck… This was definitely my lowest moment so far and it only lasted about 15 mins so I think I’ve had it pretty good.

The ortho guy came at around 7:30 with an army of 17 interns and other specialists. They had a quick look and confirmed I need surgery and suggested I get bumped to private if I want the procedure done today. They asked if I would be happy with this and I said “whose leg do I need to break to make this happen? Oh just mine? In that case, make it so!…engage!….tea earl grey hot!”. I was packed up around 2 pm and moved to a private hospital nearby where I gowned up and pretty much went straight in for an enhancement procedure that included metal upgrades of some sweet screws and a plate. Achievement Unlocked : Part Robot.

One of the hardest things to cope with was that I had no sleep, no food and no water for a very very long time. I was also still in my sweaty stinky training clothes right up until an hour before the operation which made things uncomfortable for me and probably anyone within a 5 metre radius. My head hurt and all I wanted was to go home. After I got out of surgery I had a big drink of water, 2 rice crackers, my first cock and balls etched into my cast and eventually dozed into a deep drug induced sleep.

The next morning I was cornflake fueled/rested/hydrated and then homeward bound. I was quite ready to sit in my own bed and just do nothing for a long while.

It’s now been a week since the accident as I write this. A week that has gone by pretty quick thanks to some sweet Endone and lots of delicious handmade noms. Although I did only need to take the Endone for 2 days, and even then only to get to sleep in the evenings so the pain was never that bad after the operation. The downside to a week at home is that I’m starting to get a little stir crazy. I’m stalking my cats with my camera, photoshopping myself into game of thrones pictures and becoming a general facebook pest. I am however starting to work from home today and I’m also planning to get down and watch some training very soon to get some more signatures on my manky cast.

I would like to say a massive THANK YOU to everyone that has been so so so supportive of me. The visits, the food, the gifts, the get well wishes. It’s been overwhelming to say the least.

I would like to give an extra big shout out to the people that really took care of me the night it happened.

Flux Decapitator: for calling the ambos and sitting with me in hospital until 4am.
Cookie (bum)Crackhouse: for holding up my leg and riding in the ambulance with me and waiting until Mr.Blitz got to the hospital.
Admiral Snackbar: for helping hold my leggy even though he was very uncomfortable.
Jack of Hurts: for keeping me calm while waiting for the ambulance and drugs.
Battle Tank: for lifting my sorry arse onto the stretcher.
Garter Belter: for letting me lean on her, sweaty back and all.
Smurf and Destroy: for running my car back to flux’s house.
Titasaurus: for throwing jumpers and blankets around making me laugh.
Tristan (Mr. Flux Decapitator): for telling me to “walk it off”.

Immediate Lessons:

Private health insurance. It really is the best! I know it can be expensive but without it I would have been stuck with a shitty ankle for up to a week and would have needed to get it reset again…No Thanks! I got private health insurance especially for derby. It’s bitter sweet that it’s actually paying off.

Keep your emergency contacts up to date. I had an old number for my mum in the league books, and I left my phone at home, so the only way to contact Mr. Blitz was via facebook, thanks to a quick thinking Flux.

Keep your laces tight. Due to cramping, I have my skates quite loose to the point where they slip off sometimes. I’m not sure if having them tighter would have stopped the injury from happening but there is a good chance it could have been reduced.

So now we playing the waiting game for reals. 5 more weeks left in the cast/or replacement moon boot and then most likely at least 4-6 weeks of rehab before I will be ready to lace up again and that is being VERY optimistic.

I will return though. I had previously said that if I broke anything that would be it for derby and me, on a skating level at least. After now breaking something, I really don’t think I can leave it there. I was only just starting to become the skater I wanted to be. Having said that, I will probably never be satisfied, but I do honestly believe I still have along way to go and have a lot of things to still achieve in the derby world before concede.

I know this post may seem a little dramatic in parts. None of this is intended to scare anyone. I just wanted to write a quick summary of my own experience. I’m sure it’s not the same for everyone. If you can take anything away from it just know that yes, major injury sucks, but not enough to make me reconsider derby or to leave me with any major regrets, well besides jamming that one time, so it can’t be that bad right?

Recovery will be tough. I am trying to stay positive, which is working well so far, but at the same time I am not naive. I should not compare my recovery time frame to anyone else’s. I just need to make sure everything is 100% right with me before I return and not rush it, no matter how frustrating that may be. I’m sure the psychological battle of getting back on skates will be another matter entirely, but I will try and share my experiences the best i can.

Overall, for me, it was not as painful as I imagined it would be. The fear of the unknown is what gets you. If this happens to you, and you are part of a roller derby league, just know that you will be looked after better than you could ever have imagined.

So that is it from me for a little while. I will post again when my recovery has had some movement in the right direction. In the meantime, get some health insurance and tie your laces tight!

Oh and remember to come down to see the Cutthroat Charmers next bout versus old rivals the Dolly Rogers on the 11th of May: Hunger games. Obviously I will not be playing but feel free to come up and say hi and rub my cast for good luck, wishes or fertility blessings.

<3 clutzkrieg declutz.

Zero Dark Hurty (i’m just skating for a mate)

blitzkrieg deluxe — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 06:00:56 +0000

It’s been one long hot summer.

Getting back into training was the first hurdle, and it was a big one. 4 weeks off is really hard to come back from, especially when you used the summer break to test out your eating endurance. It came with the added blow for me of being diagnosed with PCOS (defiant ovaries) which isn’t such a big deal but it does explain my most recent weight gain and weight loss struggles as it screws with your metabolism and hormones among other things. I need to lose weight in order to correct the situation which it seems has been made worse by weight gain that can be attributed to the PCOS in the first place. BLERGH. So the weight loss cycle begins again in 2013. With the health issue now being there I feel that I’ll be more strongly motivated to continue with proper diet and exercise.

Apart from getting my hefty butt slowly rolling on track again, this year has already had couple of big firsts.

I had my first bench coaching experience with the Blackheart Breakers, our newest home team, against the Dolly Rogers last month. I was nervous, more nervous than I usually am before a bout as a skater. I’ve generally been one of those skaters that allows others to work out the plan and then I just do my best to execute it. I’ve never considered being on the other side of the equation unless I was politely pushed into it. Mercifully the Breakers already had a lot of stuff worked out for themselves in terms of strategy. All I needed to do was communicate with the refs, stand around looking serious, wave my arms in the air at skaters and yell out onto the track using my outdoor voice. Would maybe consider doing it again in the future as a last resort.

Now I mentioned I was pretty nervous for bench coaching, but then came the day of scrimmage against VRDL last weekend. Yes VRDL, the top league in Australia. I still don’t believe it happened, until I remember how sore my hand is from falling over my laces, while jamming against the All Stars. You did read that correctly…Jamming *gasp* Against *gasp* The All Stars *flail*. The majority of the scrimmage against the All Stars is a blur, it was fast, furious and surprisingly a lot of fun, until the very last jam or “endgame” as I am now referring to it as, when the jammer panty was handed to me…

How it all (me) went down.

Handed jammer panty, told everyone else has jammed, told to suck it up.
Brain bleed.
Whistle blows, run/hump into wall of All Stars, don’t manage to get through, trip over Rocky’s skates, get up and get pushed out to the inside
Accidentally come back in track in front of blocker that pushed me out
CUT TRACK MAJOR *toot*
Off to the box… almost relieved.
Watch clock.
22 seconds left in the jam and am released.
Skate towards back of pack
Laces slip under wheels
Arse over tit over dignity fall into the middle of nowhere onto hand.
Pull myself off track to fix lace until jam ends.
Sit around for next hour with a face like a smacked arse.

After licking my wounds, literally, we had a lunch break and came back to play the Queen Bees. We fared better in that game then we did the first, but It was still extremely tough. I would go as far to say the third toughest game I’ve been in. It even knocked my heart rate monitor strap off my chest and onto the track. The hardest game would have been the All Stars just hours earlier and the second being Sun State at TGSS.

Before the day began we all had a pretty good idea about how it was going to pan out. Not to sound defeatist, more realist, we were there to learn. We had all set mini goals and I’m pretty sure they were met. I hit some people out/down, forced some cuts and learned an absolute shitload about play styles and what I need to work on personally. A+++ experience. Mildly terrifying. Would do again.

It’s going to be a big 2013 by the looks of things. It’s my third year as a bouting skater and SSRD have signed up for the Victoria and Tasmania Regional Tournament which means a pool of 20 skaters will get to play quite a few bouts over the coming months. We are also hosting WARD (Western Australia) in a few weeks which will also be my first official bout of the year. I missed out playing them in Perth a few years ago due to a wedding so I’m keen to make up for it. Playing WARD also means we get a game under our belt to count towards our full WFTDA membership. Exciting times.

<3 blitz, currently aka clitz…

The Off-Season is Coming

blitzkrieg deluxe — Sun, 16 Dec 2012 02:05:32 +0000

Well what a year it’s been. I’ll try my best to break this down into little derby infused chunks for easier digestion.

First things first…The bouts!

Since my last post I have had the absolute honour to play in 2 South Sea Sirens games. The first in Launceston against VDR and the second against Ballarat at home.

VDR

This was my first time traveling with the team interstate via plane as a team. I’m not forgetting TGSS, but that was a more ‘find your own way’ kinda deal. It was good to have that travel team feel by actually traveling together as a single unit. The Launceston area is so pretty, It was my first time in Tasmania and my highlights besides the bout were : the gorge, the monkeys and the ducks, oh and riding around the park in a faux train. We met some of VDR girls on the night before the bout for a yummy meal in town. The girls were absolutely lovely and very accommodating, we talked a lot about shop and then headed in for an early night.

Going into the game the next day we really had no idea what to expect. It was a hard fought game and we gave it everything to come out victorious. The scores were 251 to 91 in our favour but as usual the scores don’t really communicate the toughness of the competition on track. It was a great game and I would love to have a rematch against these girls sometime.

I’d like to give a massive shout out to fans of derby for coming down to Tassie to film the entire thing which can currently be watched here.

Speaking of which, and I can’t believe I haven’t mentioned this before, but if you’re lucky enough to pick up channel 31 on your picture box you should start tuning in on Saturdays for a local derby show called ‘Power Jam’. It always features one of the recent local bouts filmed by fans of derby, which are quite often commentated by SSRD’s very own Ardy and Chief Intent. Ardy and Chief also have a segment on the show called the steam room where they discuss derby issues with the charm, humour and insight that we’ve all come to enjoy. You can catch the latest episode online here.

Ballarat

For our last bout of 2012 SSRD got to play Ballarat’s Rat Pack for the third year in a row . It seems to be an end of year tradition and hopefully one we continue. We (and my coccyx) got decimated by the Ballarat girls this time last year so heading into the game I would be lying if I said i wasn’t nervous as hell.

It was really hot at Springers and we were playing on a different court to usual. Thunderstorms were going on outside and a large contingency of skaters and fans were busy in the lead up to xmas or at rollercon in Queensland. It really kinda felt like an away game.

The bout was fierce and probably my favourite of the year. We never let our guard down and just kept playing as hard as we could. I think we’ve come really far this year in terms of teamwork and knowing how everyone else plays. This goes as well for the home teams. At half time the nerves were still high, it was still anyone’s game so we went back in hard in the second half. The final scores were 294 to 120 in our favour, again the scores not accurately communicating how it felt out there. It was really really nice to finish the year on a high this time.

On a side note this was all the last game we will ever play with the old WTFDA rule set. There are a lot of really big changes in the new rule set so next year will be a completely different beast and I’m really looking forward to seeing how it all plays out.

CH CH CH CH CH CHANGES

At the close of the 2012 season there have been some big big changes in the league.

There is a new team, currently un-named, but because we now have the numbers to require a third team it also meant all the current bouting skaters were re-drafted. In addition the home team bouts will be slightly more frequent (every 6 weeks) with one of the 3 teams sitting out each time.

Even with the redraft I managed to remain a Cutthroat Charmer for a third year in a row. *fist pump style*. I am now joined by some other lovely past charmers, some brutal ex dolly opponents and some new draftees! I am so so so very excited about next year, the redrafting seems to have already re-energized everyone in the league.

The charmers still need to nominate captains for the first 6 months. I have already decided that on the off chance I was a captain I would be bringing in some unorthodox methods to ensure victory.

I have devised a new game of thrones strategic play called “The Joffery”. It’s a distraction technique where half the team skate up to the opposition with cries of “mummy” and then make neck slicing motions with their hands. While this is happening we get the other players to sneak up and take them out, doing all the dirty work. If successful this move will also be accompanied by the game of thrones theme song and possibly a dance of some description.

Rereading that, I’m not sure me as a captain would be in my team or any teams best interest…ever.

Whatever happens, the redraft with the new rule set makes for a very interesting year indeed.

That brings me to the year that was 2012.

In summary

Gained weight, lost weight, gained weight – the pattern/battle continues.
Made the Sirens again and played in all Siren bouts, including 2 at TGSS and 1 in Tasmania.
Went to japan for 4 weeks, did not return with radioactive powers, just lots of cute junk.
Jammed. Lols.

Personally as a player do feel like have continued to develop my sklls from last year, I feel more aware, that my hits are timed better and are generally more effective. I’m having a lot more fun now that I feel more grounded in the sport.

In 2013 I plan to be fitter, gain more agility and hopefully to become more of an all-rounder, rather than just a big blocker.

My goals for 2013 are

Loose the weight I lost last year all over again, and learn some god damned self control…
Make the Sirens travel team in 2013.
Go to the shed skate park in Cranbourne and learn how to do some sick tricks (note: going down 1 ramp qualifies as said sick trick.)
Jam… better…

Always being able to have something to strive for is one of the many reasons I love this sport.

And with that, I wish you all a very smashy xmas and new year and I’ll hopefully be back in January for my 3^rd year as a bouting skater with SSRD.

Take care of yourselves and your families.

<3 blitz

The Skates of Wrath

blitzkrieg deluxe — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 01:35:14 +0000

Well another bout bites the floorboards.

The final Cutthroat Charmers v Dolly Rogers bout of 2012 and the final bout of both teams in their current incarnations is over. The Dolly’s won in a very high scoring game and honestly it would have to be my favorite loss of the year. This last result means in the last 2 years both the Dollys and Charmers have come away with 5 wins each.

It looks like next year the league will need to expand to 3 teams due to the awesome amount of wild women we have in our league. This makes me happy but at the same time very sad.

It’s been over 2 years since I was drafted to the Cutthroat Charmers. In that time I have experienced amazing wins and hard fought defeats, I have played with some bonafide roller derby super stars, debuting skaters and veterans and I’ve always felt completely at home. I feel so proud and blessed that I got to skate in a team with such an amazing collection of women.

So to all of my shiny fellow members of team handsome, past and present, you know how I feel about you and it’s been an absolute honour to skate with you all.

Here’s to new beginnings !

During last nights bout I did manage to achieve a couple of my goals.

1. I didn’t get ejected, in fact I got a modest 3 majors from memory and one of those was from four minors. I was a little worried about getting ejected again, especially because in the time between last night and the previous bout I also got ejected from training scrimmage and had to sit in the “party room” sans lesbian goths. Maniac.

2. I jammed. #derp #yolo

Jamming in a bout for me has always been a big big big fear. I’ve been bouting now for about a year and a half and my nerves are usually not that bad leading up to a bout. Last night my nerves were perhaps higher than for my debut.

The thing is, as a blocker, I know not much focus is on you, unless you have hit the jammer, and even then it’s an after thought. As a jammer all eyes are on you, any mistake is obvious to all but on the flip-side any small victory is also recognised. Basically pressure in increased 10 fold.

Leading up the the bout I knew I would be jamming at least a couple of times, and it honestly scared the shit out of me. My jamming style is not what one would consider “traditional”. It’s more “blocking at speed” style. Fellow charmers also refer to it as steamrolling or cannonballing. I had so many fears leading up the bout but the biggest was either not being able to get through and be stuck behind 4 feisty Dollys, or to be drawing lots of majors and getting sent to the bin.

The reality was, 3 out of my 4 jams I scored points. I also think I got lead 3 out of 4 times. I did get sent to the bin for a major *cough* backblock on my second jam but still managed to nab 4 points before the jam ended. For me this is a massive win. The weird thing was that when I actually was jamming everything went super quickly, I noticed the crowd even less than usual and thanks to what I think was adrenaline I didn’t even feel the burn.

I just want to give a big shout out to my charmers, they had confidence in me that I could jam even when I didn’t and I’m so glad I can now cross bout jamming off my to do list. I don’t even think I would mind if they made me do it again sometime :)

In 2 weeks I’ll be traveling to Tasmania as a Siren to play Van Diemen Rollers in Launceston which is pretty exciting. I’ve never been to Tassie before and I’m really looking forward to SSRD coming together as one team and making shit happen. Hopefully good shit.

But for now I’m going to spend my Sunday in bed, relaxing my sore muscles and reflecting on an awesome game and my time as a member of such an amazing and inspiring team.

<3 Blitz.

p.s big ups to #rollerderp for consistent derby related lols.

School of Hard Blocks

blitzkrieg deluxe — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 05:21:16 +0000

Well i’m back from my holiday and back on skates. I just had my first game since TGSS this weekend and I really effing felt it. No radioactive super powers for me it would seem.

The break.

First up Japan was one of the best experiences of my life. The people, the efficiency, the scenery and their sense of humour was exactly my cup of tea. I will be returning in the future, hopefully I can take my skates with me next time.

As I’m sure many derby girls can agree that even a 2 week break of skates hurts your fitness so an almost 8 week break of relaxation and non dieting left me equal parts fearful and excited to be strapping on my skates again.

If I said I was missing derby while I was away that would be a lie. For me at least, derby really does take it’s toll on you. The time commitment alone can definitely seem overwhelming even after 2 and a half years of it being in your routine. In addition, the punishment to your body on a regular basis can leave you feeling like you’ll never be sans bruises again. Everyone needs a break from time to time and I’m glad I had mine.

What I did miss was the people. It’s the people that brought me back and it will always be the people that keeps me hanging on. If I didn’t love my league and especially my charmers it would have been VERY easy to walk away rather than push myself back onto the track. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the game. But the love of the game for me will never be enough on it’s own. I’m now 30 and while I am very excited about the direction derby is taking in Australia I know I will never fit the professional athlete archetype that may in the future dominate the sport at least at the highest level of competition.

I AM glad to be back though and I am having fun again. It is obvious though that I really need too step it up before our next bout in October. I feel like my hits have been more ferocious since I’ve come back but at the same time they are sloppy and less refined. My head is also not 100% in the right space either, I’ve been forgetful on track and taking longer to get my head around strategies. This brings me to :

The ejection.

On Saturday night I got my first and hopefully last ejection for racking up too many major penalties. The last being called with 7ish minutes left on the clock after sitting out a few jams. I always wondered if I’d ever get fouled out. Normally I tend to get a maximum of 3 to 4 majors. Saturday was different though.

What bothers me most was not the penalties on the track, some I don’t agree with (naturally), but at least a couple were hard earned. It was the two, including the 7th that I secured on the jammer line because I wasn’t focused that are eating me up.

The first was coming out of the penalty box. I was told to coast to break the pack and instead took a knee earning myself a major destruction of pack. The second was me being half a second too late to take a knee before the whistle… I’m still having flashbacks…

The cry of “5 seconds”
The realization that my team had fallen to their knees
The *toot* of the whistle
The quarter of a second later, the *bop* of my right knee pad hitting the track.
Another whistle sounded.
A call was made against black MP40.
There was then a slow motion howl of “noooooooooooooooooooooooooo” as I fell onto both knees cursing the heavens in a dramatic scene a la platoon…

OK so everything after the whistle may have only happened inside my head and actual events were much less obvious. Less obvious enough in fact for a majority of people to not even know I was ejected until I came bounding onto the track with an embarrassed grin after the game without skates on.

For a brief second there is a small sense of glory involved, people cheer you on and tell you it’s a good thing because it shows you are out there actively doing things, people call you a badass and you stand around flexing and fist pumping (at least in your mind). However that small glory very quickly turned into embarrassment.

Everyone was great to me after the game, No one spoke down to me and there were many people that just hugged me and called me brutal. That made me feel much better at the time but in truth when I got home I really just felt like a dickhead. The fact that everyone on the charmers is so understanding and positive makes it feel even worse that I let them down. That is the worst part by far, feeling like you let the most awesome group of women down by being careless and knowing they deserve better.

I know this seems overly dramatic, and do you think I feel let down by other people getting expelled? Hell No ! For me though it all comes back to how I racked up those 2 penalties and how stupid it was of me. This has honestly been one of the most emotional experiences for me since I started derby and has made me question a lot about how I play.

I couldn’t sleep Sunday night because I was going over and over the mistakes in my head, searching for answers to why my head was not on straight, what I could have done differently, how I’m going to reign in the other penalties I got.

I’m confident that I will learn from this experience and be a more reliable player next time. I have not lost my passion for the game and am going to just use this experience to improve. The fact I have such a great team behind me is definitely the major driving force. I love you Charmers, every last one of you.

Ok so enough baby tears and gushing.. I have consumed my cup of concrete and am currently in the process of hardening.

Just as a last word I’d like to say a big I love you to my wifey from the very the start, Razorbec. We started out together at the same VRDL boot camp and worked our way towards South Sea, with a little push from her I might add, which I cannot thank her enough for. Razor has been inspirational in her determination to get where she is today and I have been extremely proud of her the whole way. I know she has helped so many of the girls in the league never give up, no matter how hard it can be on the way up. Razor had her last SSRD bout on Saturday and even though we were on opposing teams it was an absolute honour to skate with her then, and for the last almost 3 years.

I look forward to meeting you on track again in the future. SSRD will miss you sorely, but not as much as me.

<3 Blitz.

Game Of Throwns. TGSS Edition.

blitzkrieg deluxe — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 02:00:18 +0000

I finally found my new derby name, well it would be if I wasn’t already so attached to being called blitz. The name has 3 major pros:

Indulges my game of thrones obsession.
Is slightly ominous.
Is relevant to my appearance.

I present to you : Dread Stark *Squeeeeee*

Now my new identity crisis has been covered I’m not sure what’s left to write about….. Oh that’s right THE GREAT SOUTHERN SLAM OMGSWTFBBQLOLS.

I’ll break this bad boy down day by day.

DAY ONE

Day one started at the never before seen by me time of 4:45 in the am. I along with my carpool buddies, Tristan, J-F, Drew, Zom.B.Smasher, Cookie Crackhouse and Devastatin’Dotti drove out of the Melbourne city limits and on the road to Adelaide.

The road trip on the way there can be punctuated by a few key moments that set the fun bar pretty high for the rest of the weekend.

1. Riding the slide in Nhill 4 people at a time.
2. The whole car air guitar heroing to to dragonforce – Through The Fire and Flames (Including legitimate finger aches and panting at the hard bits).
3. Doing a breakfast club pose at the giant koala.
4. Harolding (I’ll explain later when it becomes an internet sensation).

8 hours in with J-F and Drew napping the the backseat things were looking grim up front. Most of the time was being spent communicating in various fart noises and spotting the USS Enterprise in the clouds.

After getting our 5th or so wind we finally arrived in the sleepy town that is Adelaide.

First things first and after checking in I was driven by J-F and Dotti to to the showground in the Jetta (aka the Fetta Regretta) to test my wheels out and get my arm band for the next 4 days. The floor was good for my atoms. It was a pretty surreal experience being out there on the track for the first time, everything looked just like it did 2 years ago and it made things very real for me, in a good way, I was now ready to play.

The day ended with all of us packed into a hotel room, eating over priced pizza and lounging in our onesies. On a side note : my onesie is a bumble a bee which just happens to be SSRG’s mascot…awkes !!!. Battling to keep our eyes open everyone settled in for an early night.

DAY TWO : ACTION

We started track-side watching both Geelong and Sun State Battle each other for the first game of our pool. We would be playing both these teams today so it was important to see what we were up against.

Sun State are Australia’s second best team so anyone playing these ladies was going to have a tough time. SSRG came out victorious and it was then our turn to start warming up for our game against the Bloody Mary’s.

Warming up in our uniforms was brutal, thanks to sadies *salute*, I was sweating more before the game than during but at least I know i was properly warmed up. It was good to see everyone in their new cute uniforms bounding around in excitement.

The game started out like it did last time, hard and fast. To be honest alot of the game is a blur. Time was ticking away and we only has 2×20 min halves to play in. By half time SSRD were down by around 40 points. The great thing is this time no one was down about it, everyone was switched on and positive.We had a plan for the next half and we just wanted to get in there and execute it.

And execute we did. Changing up the strategy saw us claw back 40 points and gain a lead. Everyone was playing their part and we were playing better as a team than I have ever seen. When the final Jam was over I literally squealed “we did it” and then followed the team chants of fuck yeah ! Amazing moment…

Winning against Geelong was a HUGE moment for me. Last time we played I had Glandular Fever and was feeling pretty depressed after they spanked us so hard. After getting a Sirens tattoo I never really felt like I had earned it until today. Today was my first win as a Siren, and in my opinion the best game I have played so far.

What makes this victory even sweeter was that we did it without some of our old key players (Mad Mel Arena and Flyin Nun’Chucker <3 who are now rightly VRDL A-Team alumni). As a team we adapted to what was happening on the track, refocused and managed to come back with a win in a very close game.

Seriously I was delirious with happiness after. The smile across my face was disturbing to myself and I was embracing anyone that came within a 10 meters radius of me. Belated apologies to those I stink hugged.

Final Score : SSRD 110 to GRDL 96. Yay.

It wasn’t long however before we had to go and prepare for our second game against the Sun State Roller Girls.

At this stage we knew it was going to be a domination but the positive energy from the last game kept everyone in high spirits.

We lined up for the second game, smiles on our faces. Those smiles were then smashed off our faces with almost German like precision…Only temporarily though.

SSRG played quick, they played efficiently and they played smart. We saw alot of plays we have not really focused on in the past but will no doubt be working on in the near future.

By half time we had 4 points on the board. The best thing about this is they way we treated this almost like a win. I think everyone was just super relieved we had points on the board and we weren’t going to have to do a pants off lap after the game.

The second half was much like the first but we managed a few more points. I managed to land some big hits on their jammers taking them out for… like a second or so but it’s better than nothing!

In this half I did however have my favourite derby moment ever:

Last Jam I lined up as the only SSRD blocker against a full suite of SSRG. There was joking from the bench and some laughs. Normally this is pretty much my nightmare scenario but today it just felt fun. The whistle goes, the SSRG jammer steps out and I managed to block her off the track.. all by myself…against 4 SSRG girls….*faint*. I don’t really remember the last part of that jam as I’m pretty sure I was continuously high fiving myself in my head for the next 30 mins.

Final Score : SSRG 193 to SSRD 13. Ouch.

Loosing to SSRG was *almost* as much fun as winning against arch rivals Geelong. I know everyone learned a massive amount from this game and the SSRG’s were very gracious afterwards and even gave us pointers which were much appreciated.

As hard as it is sometimes, swallowing your pride and going into a game where you know bad things are going to happen can be one of the best experiences ever. It’s extremely humbling but you just learn so much and you still get to play the best sport ever in the process.

If your interested both games should be up on DNN soon.

DAY THREE

OH THE PAIN. It became apparent after I literally rolled out of bed that it was just as well that the Sirens had not qualified for day 2 as I have never experienced DOMS of this magnitude. I could barely walk and my cold had come back to grace me with barry white-esc pipes… if only for about half an hour.

We went back down to the showgrounds for another day, We watched VRDL start to own people for a little while before taking interest in the challenge bouts, specifically the ones featuring Quadzilla and Razorbec.

Tears of pride welled up as I saw my wifey actively blocking Quadzilla and even better, got lead jammer on him. WIN.

Days filled with derby go faster than I remembered. before we knew it 8 hours had past again and it was time to go back to the hotel.

We headed back after around 7 for some hard earned dumplings and a spa at the hotel. I slept the shit out of sunday night just as I did the previous night.

DAY FOUR

PAIN. WORSE. ARGH.

Back at the showgrounds it was the day of the big final between SSRG and VRDL just like 2 years ago. I had a stint on the merch table before the game and was lucky enough to get squatted by Dayna Might. I don’t know how that girl does it but it was one wild ride.

Time for the VRDL/SSRG final and my allegiance was torn. I love VRDL but I was also freshly smitten with SSRG.. I decided to just sit back and watch some fine derby in action. I think the most exciting thing was seeing my old fellow goon nun’chucker out there for the first time. It was incredible to see the changes in her already incredible style since she left SSRD.

In my opinion the skill gap between these 2 teams and the rest of Australia is still quite large. So it’s pretty exciting to see them play each other when they get a chance.

VRDL came away with the win, not quite the 1 point thriller that it was 2 years ago but it just shows you that as good as VRDL are they can still improve, I’m looking to see how they will be playing the game in another 2 years.

As soon as the final finished it was pack up and waddle to the car time to get back to Melbourne as soon as possible. I had to work Tuesday much to everyone else’s annoyance.

The drive home seemed to go pretty quick, everyone shared the driving and i was back on my own bed by 3:30 the next day.

I have not yet experienced the post TGSS blues and I don’t think I’m going to. I am just thrilled I got to be a part of it. I had an absolutely amazing time with some of my favorite people in the world and I wouldn’t change any of it !

I’ll be back home in 4 weeks from the land of the rising sun. I’m already looking forward to getting back into to training and put some of the TGSS experience into practice. The whole weekend really has re-inspired my love of the game.

But for now…I’m Outy!

<3 Blitz

P.S A big thank you to all of the SSRD NSO’S, Refs, Volunteers and Supporters, TGSS was a better place for having you with us <3.

P.P.S A massive congrats the the SSRD Banshee’s on their debut bout and win last night against NSR/LCRD.

P.P.P.S 2 years on.. I still want Swish Caraboom’s babies.

A Storm Of Skates: Steel And Urethane

blitzkrieg deluxe — Fri, 18 May 2012 10:45:02 +0000

The Charmers didn’t come away with a win in our April bout against the Dollys. But we also didn’t come away with a case of the sads because it was still such a great game. The gap wasn’t as big as the previous bout and it felt so great to be back on skates again. I didn’t feel like it was my best game, I seemed a little hesitant but I think that’s expected after such a long break and with an ankle that’s not 100%. I was really proud to see my wife Razorbec out there on track with me even if she did lure me into performing stop block. It was also an awesome first for SSRD as it was our first home game without any ring-ins for our skaters or refs. I’m so proud of how far the league has come over the last 2 years and very glad to have been a part of it.

In the last 4 minutes of the bout, like an idiot, I took another nasty tumble onto my arse(nel). It’s still tender now and taking a subsequent fall on it two weeks later at training probably has not helped either…I’m so frustrated that I have developed the bad habit of falling backwards after so much time doing it the right way. It has been theorised that perhaps I am being extra protective of my glass ankle which is why I’m showing a preference or going back instead of to the front or side. Or perhaps my new compression pants were making me feel overly confident, nay invincible, which lead me to attempt an ill fated triple axel jump. Either may be true but I better snap out of it soon because I’m tired of sitting on cushions and groaning every time I get out of a chair (which I may or may not have done long before I hurt my bum).

After seeing this bouts photos and comparing them to past bouts I am now officially convinced there is no such thing as a blocker glamour shot, at least not in full blocking flight.

When I first started bouting I was a little(a lot) more self conscious, a little(a lot) more worried about what I would look like on track. I would always ask myself if my thighs looked too big, if my back fat was obvious or if my mouth-guard was making me look like a cave woman. In the last few months I have finally come to the realisation that I don’t really care anymore. Sure it would be nice to have a photo taken as a graceful jammer making my way around the track. Honestly though, would I want to sacrifice going for a massive and potentially effective block with face screwed up and double chin ahoy for the sake of a nice photo? Hell No. I would rather pay the iron price for letting that shit interrupt my game.

At the end of the day, the satisfaction from playing a really good game lasts a shit load longer than that of seeing a pretty picture.

Having said that, I am on the weight loss and fitness train again in anticipation of TGSS. Being off skates for 8 weeks, without exercise takes it’s toll on your body. This time I’m opting not for “the 12 week challenge” but am using “my fitness pal” instead. It’s a free service to track exercise and food It’s a bit more realistic than the 12 week challenge and I’m actually enjoying tracking my food properly. If anyone else out there is using it or wants to try it with me give me a yell because I can always use more motivation and support :)

Speaking of TGSS, The Great Southern Slam is now less than 4 weeks away. The nerves are starting to set in. I know It’s going to be tough but I’m pretty sure it’s also going to be extremely rewarding. The atmosphere at training at the moment is great. Everyone is pulling together and putting in enormous effort. This is my first interstate bout with the league and I’m really looking forward to it as a bonding experience. I thought it was a big event last time but I know this year is going to be mental ! Bring it on ladies !

In other news I finally put aside some time to update the new South Sea Roller Derby website. I’m pretty satisfied with it, it’s a lot brighter than my last attempt. No doubt in another 2 years I’ll want to remake it again.. If I’m still on skates that is… *hump wood*.

On that note I bid you farewell. I will try to get in another post before I leave for TGSS and/or at TGSS and/or just after TGSS. but totally before I bugger off to Japan.

Stay Frosty.

<3 Blitz

p.s I will eventually tire of using game of thrones puns and references, but probably not until season 2 ends :p

Vengeance. Justice. Fire & Skates

blitzkrieg deluxe — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:29:29 +0000

Ok so my ankle may have been worse than I first thought. I totally missed the last bout and have only been back to full training sessions from the 3rd of April. Soooo i’ve had a little bit of time on my hands. In the time from injury to now I have done the following :

Reacquainted my butt with the couch for long stretches of time.
Developed a game of thrones addiction. (I’ve already devised a very weak GoT derby name of “middlefinger”)
Moved California rolls into my regular meal rotation.
Tried to install “softpaws” on to my cats claws and failed miserably.
Killed a dude (but not for realsies).

I did however get to sit on the bench for the last bout as long as I was fully geared up. That is an experience I wish not repeat for a couple of reasons.

Sitting around on a bench in full gear for 1.5 hours is hot and uncomfortable.
My urge to block was not lost. I was wriggling around by habit landing blocks on teammates towels and water bottles.
Feeling absolutely useless is extremely frustrating.

The Dollys (boo!) came away with substantial and well deserved win in the end as I continued to whisper threats to my glass ankle from the sidelines.

In slightly better news I will be playing in our next bout on the 28th. This bout is made all the more special by the fact I will be skating with (but against) my wifey Razorbec. If you’re in the area why not come down and watch.

In even better news : I made the travel team, The South Sea Sirens, again for 2012. This means I get to play in The Great Southern Slam (TGSS) in June. SO very very excited about this, I still remember 2 years ago dreaming of the moment I would be actually bouting at all let alone at TGSS. It’s going to be so different being down there in Adelaide again on the other side of the suicide line. From what I read we will be playing Geelong’s Bloody Mary’s first (an almost cruel irony that we go all the way to another state to play our neighboring nemesis) and then onto Sun State Roller Girls in the same afternoon. I’ve not played 2 games in one day before so it should be interesting. If we get some wins on the first day we will make it through to the second day.

Whatever happens I know it’s going to be an amazing experience. My main goals for the event are:

We are competitive as a team.
Fun is had (mandatory).
I can again visit the tombstone shop with wifey for photographic lols.
I come out injury free as I leave to Japan the weekend after.

For now it’s time to rest up. Tomorrow SSRD will be visited by Bonnie D.Stroir all the way from the states for a special coaching session. We have been told to drink lots of water. I am already almost peeing myself in anticipation so extra water intake could prove problematic.

In some very unrelated news, some friends and I are embarking on a video project “Reaper Corps“. Please if you can spare a minute and a click check out our youtube channel and watch some of the footage we’ve shot so far and see me kill a dude.

Hopefully I’ll be back in a couple of weeks with some good news about our bout and a new link to the improved SSRD website that I’m currently developing.

Until then, take care of yourself and each other.

<3 Blitz

Skatebound and Down

blitzkrieg deluxe — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 09:47:09 +0000

So getting back into this blog didn’t happen in January…..Having a break over xmas was great but also bad. Great in that I got to relax like a boss and nurse my butt back to health. Bad in that my fitness seemed to disappear completely and my relationship with chocolate got very nasty again.

Currently I’m tying to gear up for the first South Sea Roller Derby Bout of 2012 on March 3rd (Brawlesque- get on it !). I still have a swollen ankle from a massive sprain in scrimmage the week before last so I’m trying to be super careful with it. The doctor was impressed that I managed to sprain my ankle in 3 spots but I think he was even more impressed that I had shaved only one leg. My logic was that he would only want to look at the hurt one. Major female fail on my part although he’s lucky he got at least one smoothy ! I’m still limping around a little but am hoping to get back into training to some degree this week. I am most gutted that it hasn’t bruised up yet in spectacular fashion so that I can extract impressed and sympathetic coos from all those around me.

All this talk of injury brings me to :

The Blitzkrieg Deluxe Official Injury List™ for 2011 :

Severely bruised knee tendons and muscles.
Dislocated middle finger at training. Flipping the bird will never be the same.
Bruised Sacrum (read: butt) in last game of the year, still a little bit ouchy.

All that equates to is 2 x-rays, A physio appointment, lots of ice packs, a bit of pain medication, a fair dose of whinging and some cool bruises. I am however extremely grateful that I have not yet succumbed to a major injury *hugs wooden desk*.

I’m still looking forward to the bout whether I can skate or not. If for nothing else I’ll at least get to wear my new custom charmers uniform. MASSIVE UPS to Harmin Miranda for putting in the hard work to put everyone’s uniform together. I’ve got my numbers printed on the sleeves which is a plus because my old manky armbands with my numbers on them have been falling apart for the last 6 months.

Since this is the first post of the year I thought maybe it would be a good time to summarise last year.

2011

Started Bouting for SSRD. First bout ever omgs.
Played in 4 charmer games (won 3 lost 1). Fear the purple.
Played in 2 travel team games (lost both but it was a great experience)
Gained 13 kg, Lost 13kg

Goals for 2012

Loose the weight I lost last year all over again, and learn some god damned self control…stupid Xmas.
Make the travel team in 2012.
Play in the great southern slam.
Return from japan with super human radioactive derby power. If radiation doesn’t help: Initiate the back up plan of just get better anyway.
Learn to Jam effectively. CANNONBALL!!!!!

I really am looking forward to making this year as big as last year. I’m past the bout nerves and it’s time to dig deep and improve my core skills, fitness and overall confidence. I know I can hit people reasonably hard but I still need to work on movement, becoming more fluid and less tense. What i’m looking forward to most however is just having another great year with my derby family with more laughs, more challenges and more Ricky Gervais office dancing.

Hopefully I’ll be back in a few weeks with another game under my booty shorts or at least an ankle that’s slightly less lame.

<3 blitz

P.S Fingers crossed for all the south sea testees today !

The Earth Died Skating

blitzkrieg deluxe — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:10:35 +0000

It’s been an intense couple of weeks to say the least.

Rat City Roller Girls came down to Melbourne from Seattle and blew my mind in a bout against VRDL. I now have another official crush to add to my list. Re-animateher now joins Swish Caraboom and Olympia as my most favouritist derby skaters evers. A lot of strategic plays that we’ve never really seen much of in the flesh came out the night. I’m pretty sure everyone went home with idea’s in their heads on how to implement these new plays into their own games. I can’t wait to see how the game changes next year !

At South Sea we had our annual south sea Christmas party at a cute little bar in Frankston (you heard me). Alas I wish I could share more but you know, what happens at the Christmas party stays at the Christmas party. As a small spoiler though : I wore a dress *gasp*.

My last bout of the year, “Seasons Beatings” went down in Ballarat on the 4th. I again got to wear my adorable little siren’s sailor bib and hit the track with South Sea’s finest for an epic battle against the Rat Pack. Unfortunately for us the cuteness factor was not enough on the day.

Before the game had even started I was put in place for the second line up and I proceeded to slide off the edge of the chair and onto my butt in front of everyone. My mum on the other side of the arena seem most entertained. I think it was a sign of things to come for me as on my second jam out I fell over about 5 times. The fifth time I went down into a massive spill straight onto my coccyx. I’m particularly disappointed in myself for this as I am always telling people to fall slightly to their side when falling backwards. I just failed following my own advice in a big and painful way.

Honestly the atmosphere was almost identical to the one when we played Geelong. Communication was low, there was lots of lone wolves, half the team was still recovering from the xmas party (note: last bout of the year before xmas party next year please!) and the penalties were flying thick and fast. I don’t want to detract away from Ballarat’s win in any way though because they played amazingly. The Rat Pack’s jamming was so strong and their defense was well organized and adaptable. I think myself as well as the other Sirens are mostly upset that we didn’t give them a better run for their money on the last bout for 2011.

As a definite highlight, I do think next year’s award for “most spectacular performance” will be going to one of our regular bout MC’s Mr. Guy “Chief-Intent” Cunningham for his half time proposal to long time wench and fellow charmer, Mollycious Intent. There was hardly a dry eye on the sirens bench. As you can imagine bringing a bunch of derby chicks to tears is no easy feat.

Even though we lost and I hurt myself pretty badly, the proposal, the awesome road trip with Titasaurus and Inkabelle and Ballarat’s post bout hospitality totally made it worth the trip. In fact as I sit here now looking at the photos and now being well over the post bout blues, it really wasn’t a bad day at all. If i could do it again I would, sans the butt hurt (literally and figuratively).

I’m already looking forward to the 2012 season. It will be my second year of bouting and I’m intending on making it count. With whispers of another great southern slam in the works I can’t wait to get back to Adelaide, this time with skates on feet.

Last but not least: The results are in for the 12 week challenge. I lost a total of 13.5kgs, and 50.3cm. I’m back to boot camp weight but with added muscle *pelvic thrust*.

The plan now is to have a little break, and by break I don’t mean binge, but bring myself up to a little more sustainable calorie intake for the Christmas period. The 12 week challenge starts again in January so I’ll start my rigid plan for another 12 weeks then and hopefully by the time I go to Japan in June I’ll be exactly where I want to be.

Speaking of Japan, I’m excited about the prospect of maybe being able to train with Yokota Roller Derby’s “Scary Blossoms” or the Yokosuka “Sushi Rollers” (best name ever!). I still have to work out which one will be closest to where we are staying…and whether I can afford the cost of hauling my skates back when I have filled my bag with mountains of super kawaii junk and anime merchandise.

But that’s it from me for another year. It looks and feels like I’ll be off skates for the remainder of the season (2 weeks) nursing my butt back to health while also trying not to put back on the weight I lost. Regular trips to Rollerama will be moved back in to my schedule and I’ll finally be able to give my pads the old fashioned stench decontamination they deserve.

Catch you in January !

<3 blitz

P.S Good luck to all the girls testing at South Sea this week !